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Cooking with Audioccult

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April 24, 2015

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# Cooking with Audioccult **Illustration by [SHALTMIRA][1]{: target="_blank"}** There's a lot of things to like about living in Berlin. Too rarely, it's food. Yesterday I saw a milkshake that was just a banana mashed into a glass of normal milk, and the ingenuity of its awfulness inspired me to share my recipe for 100% All-American Meatloaf. Press play on the embedded tracks from a variety of weird underground artists, and by the time you're finished cooking your ground chuck lust will be so fucking swole you'll need to use a trowel to scrape off the stink-stash of saliva pouring from your mouth. That's my word. [https://soundcloud.com/ghe20g0th1krecords/shmurda-ha-skyshaker][2] [SoundCloud Track (169300430)][3]{: target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer"} **Audioccult's 100% All-American Meatloaf** *Ingredients:* * 8 oz. canned water chestnuts. * 14 small bags of kale. * Some pebbles. Note: For a nice burst of nostalgia, shriek "[Barney, my pebbles!][4]{: target="_blank"}" when you add them. Also, make sure to chop off your bloody dick and flail it around your head as well. #90sKids will get this. * 3 cups gibbon oil. * 1 teaspoon fishnets. It's very important that you measure your ingredients properly. If you ever feel like, "Hey, it's okay if I waste something," just imagine what that chef who hates everyone would say. Mean Chef Gordon Ramsey: \[Aghast, pulling yards of wasted mesh from garbage can.\] "Look at it!" \[Waves mesh in face of bad cooks while voice rises in pitch like teakettle.\] "LOOK AT IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII \[Voice turns into dialtone from The Matrix*.\]* Hahah, now I'm imagining Korn showing up to get in on the fun. They're yelling and wailing on you, calling you a disgusting lady and making you wear these boxer shorts: [][5] "Good evening Mrs. Korn," they say as they position you in the middle of the giant pair of pants they always wear instead of a car (two per leg + one middle). [SoundCloud Track (199070656)][6]{: target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer"} [SoundCloud Track (198169917)][7]{: target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer"} Also, what if Professor Snape from the Harry Potter doof lovable wizard books saw you treating Shrivelfig like it was god damned Flitterbloom?? If he found out about *that* bit of blatant buffoonery he'd be so cheesed off that you'd miss those post-potion BJs until Hogswatchnight. If you really think nobody ever got their dick sucked at Hogwarts you are deluding yourself, my friend. Use your ingredients wisely. **Directions:** * Forgot to get ingredients **Bought a Calzone Instead But Dropped Part Of It** AAghpthh. This whole recipe debacle is simply further evidence that my cookbook will never be published, because it keeps turning into interludes where I imagine characters from books and movies hanging out with me and signing the merchandise from their respective properties. Who knows if I will ever even breed. Maybe I'll just make a calzone baby. Stuffed with goodness, my calzone baby. Warm and soft, like a real baby, but *soooooo* nice with parmesan. [][8] Each night the moon will find me standing over my calzone baby's crib. My heart fluttering in my chest. The sky's light eclipsed by the clouds. A movement in the dark. The soft sigh of a minute, a breeze of movement across my cheek like a kiss on a tear. When the clouds pass before the moon again, they wipe away a stain of sauce from my lips. My calzone baby and me. [https://soundcloud.com/r4dostmoya/ltkp19l7iqsj][9] [SoundCloud Track (201865971)][10]{: target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer"} [1]: http://shaltmira.weebly.com/ [2]: https://soundcloud.com/ghe20g0th1krecords/shmurda-ha-skyshaker [3]: https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/169300430 [4]: http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Barney+my+pebbles+http+funnyjunkcom+funny+pictures+3370011+soup+of+the+day+http+funnyjunkcom+funny+pictures+3370006+ring+on+the+floor_eec185_3373082.jpg [5]: http://www.electronicbeats.net/app/uploads/2015/04/tumblr_nlcttmlADB1qe7kuvo1_500.png [6]: https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/199070656 [7]: https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/198169917 [8]: http://www.electronicbeats.net/app/uploads/2015/04/tumblr_nkn469YTMr1qe7kuvo1_500.jpg [9]: https://soundcloud.com/r4dostmoya/ltkp19l7iqsj [10]: https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/201865971

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---
id: bef1c804-4695-4041-bbde-3c0b3157e085
blueprint: article
title: 'Cooking with Audioccult'
date: 2015-04-24T12:01:16+02:00
wp_id: '93756'
slug: cooking-with-audioccult
teaser_image: legacy/cooking-with-audioccult/Audioccult-Shaltmira-Conspiracy.jpg
contents:
  -
    type: text
    text: |-
      <p><strong>Illustration by&nbsp;<a href="http://shaltmira.weebly.com/" target="_blank">SHALTMIRA</a></strong></p><p>There&rsquo;s a lot of things to like about living in Berlin. Too rarely, it&rsquo;s food.&nbsp;Yesterday I saw a milkshake that was just&nbsp;a banana mashed into a glass of normal milk, and the ingenuity of its&nbsp;awfulness inspired me to share my recipe for 100% All-American Meatloaf. Press play on the&nbsp;embedded tracks from a variety of weird underground artists, and by the time you&rsquo;re finished cooking your&nbsp;ground chuck lust&nbsp;will be so fucking swole you&rsquo;ll need to use a trowel to scrape off&nbsp;the stink-stash of saliva pouring from your mouth. That&rsquo;s my word.</p><p><a href="https://soundcloud.com/ghe20g0th1krecords/shmurda-ha-skyshaker">https://soundcloud.com/ghe20g0th1krecords/shmurda-ha-skyshaker</a></p><p><a href="https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/169300430" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">SoundCloud Track (169300430)</a></p><p><strong>Audioccult&rsquo;s 100% All-American&nbsp;Meatloaf</strong></p><p><em>Ingredients:</em></p><ul>
      <li>8 oz. canned water chestnuts.</li>
      <li>14 small bags of kale.</li>
      <li>Some&nbsp;pebbles. Note: For a nice burst&nbsp;of nostalgia, shriek &ldquo;<a href="http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Barney+my+pebbles+http+funnyjunkcom+funny+pictures+3370011+soup+of+the+day+http+funnyjunkcom+funny+pictures+3370006+ring+on+the+floor_eec185_3373082.jpg" target="_blank">Barney, my pebbles!</a>&rdquo; when you add them. Also, make sure to chop off your bloody dick and flail it around your head as well. #90sKids will get this.</li>
      <li>3 cups gibbon oil.</li>
      <li>1 teaspoon fishnets.</li>
      </ul><p>It&rsquo;s very important that you measure your ingredients properly. If you ever feel like, &ldquo;Hey, it&rsquo;s okay if I waste something,&rdquo; just imagine what that chef who hates everyone would say.</p><p><em>Mean Chef Gordon Ramsey: [Aghast, pulling yards of wasted mesh from garbage can.] &ldquo;<strong>Look </strong>at it!&rdquo; [Waves mesh in face of bad cooks while voice rises in pitch like teakettle.] &ldquo;LOOK AT IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII [Voice turns into dialtone from </em>The Matrix<em>.]</em></p><p>Hahah, now I&rsquo;m imagining Korn showing up to get in on the fun. They&rsquo;re yelling and wailing on you, calling you a disgusting lady&nbsp;and making you wear these boxer shorts:</p><a href="http://www.electronicbeats.net/app/uploads/2015/04/tumblr_nlcttmlADB1qe7kuvo1_500.png"></a><div class="leftColumn">
      <div class="individuPost">
      <div class="caption">
      <p>&ldquo;Good evening Mrs. Korn,&rdquo; they say as they position you&nbsp;in the middle of the giant pair of pants they always wear instead of a car (two per leg + one middle).</p>
      <p><a href="https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/199070656" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">SoundCloud Track (199070656)</a></p>
      <p><a href="https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/198169917" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">SoundCloud Track (198169917)</a></p>
      <div class="rightColumn">Also, what if&nbsp;Professor Snape from the&nbsp;Harry Potter doof lovable wizard books saw you treating Shrivelfig&nbsp;like it was god damned Flitterbloom?? If he found out about <em>that</em> bit of blatant buffoonery&nbsp;he&rsquo;d be so cheesed off that you&rsquo;d miss those post-potion BJs until Hogswatchnight. If you really think nobody ever got their dick sucked at Hogwarts you are deluding yourself, my friend. Use your ingredients wisely.</div>
      <p><strong>Directions:</strong></p>
      <ul>
      <li>Forgot to get ingredients</li>
      </ul>
      <p><strong>Bought a Calzone Instead But Dropped Part Of It</strong><br>
      AAghpthh. This whole recipe debacle is simply&nbsp;further evidence that my cookbook will never be published, because it keeps turning into interludes where I imagine characters from books and movies hanging out with me and signing the merchandise from their respective properties.&nbsp;Who knows if I will ever even breed. Maybe I&rsquo;ll just make a calzone baby. Stuffed with goodness, my calzone baby. Warm and soft, like a real baby, but <em>soooooo</em> nice with parmesan.</p>
      <a href="http://www.electronicbeats.net/app/uploads/2015/04/tumblr_nkn469YTMr1qe7kuvo1_500.jpg"></a>
      <p>Each night the&nbsp;moon will&nbsp;find&nbsp;me standing over my calzone baby&rsquo;s crib. My heart fluttering&nbsp;in my chest. The sky&rsquo;s light eclipsed by the clouds. A movement in the dark. The soft sigh of a minute, a breeze&nbsp;of movement across my cheek like a kiss on a tear. When the clouds pass before the moon again, they wipe&nbsp;away a stain of sauce from my lips. My calzone baby and me.</p>
      <p><a href="https://soundcloud.com/r4dostmoya/ltkp19l7iqsj">https://soundcloud.com/r4dostmoya/ltkp19l7iqsj</a></p>
      <p><a href="https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/201865971" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">SoundCloud Track (201865971)</a></p>
      </div>
      </div>
      </div>
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Document Chunks (4)

Chunk #1 (Position: 0)

Chunk #2 (Position: 1)

It's very important that you measure your ingredients properly. If you ever feel like, "Hey, it's okay if I waste something," just imagine what that chef who hates everyone would say. Mean Chef Gordon Ramsey: \[Aghast, pulling yards of wasted mesh from garbage can.\] "Look at it!" \[Waves mesh in...

Chunk #3 (Position: 2)

Use your ingredients wisely. **Directions:** * Forgot to get ingredients . **Bought a Calzone Instead But Dropped Part Of It** AAghpthh. This whole recipe debacle is simply further evidence that my cookbook will never be published, because it keeps turning into interludes where I imagin...

Chunk #4 (Position: 3)

My calzone baby and me. [https://soundcloud.com/r4dostmoya/ltkp19l7iqsj][9] [SoundCloud Track (201865971)][10]{: target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer"} . [1]: http://shaltmira.weebly.com/ [2]: https://soundcloud.com/ghe20g0th1krecords/shmurda-ha-skyshaker [3]: https://api.soundcloud.com/tra...